WHERE DID MY DEPRESSION START?

Let's start off talking about my childhood. My childhood was actually pretty good, I was a nightmare for my parents though, I screamed all the time and I was very fussy. When I started reception/nursery I wasn't, lonely but I didn't have a huge amount of friends and it's been the same ever since. As I went up in school, I started to get picked on, nothing too offensive. I started to feel like the odd one out in my classes, I felt different and that feeling has stuck with me ever since. When I moved up to high school, that's when I started to feel sadness more intensely. I started to feel a lot more alone. At this point I'd defiantly say that I was getting bullied, I got called names most days, I started to get very scared to go to school. I hated going because I knew for a fact it was going to be yet another day of me coming home and running to my room and crying. I experienced bullying for quite a while actually, it did start in secondary school but I didn't take any notice then. But as soon as they all got older, they'd use more vulgar language. 

The bullying lasted a good 4 years or so. Everyone at home knew about it after a year. I live with my mum right now who is a single parent and my nan did live next door but I'll explain what happened later. But yes, the bullying did start my depression. I cried almost every day, It was hell, I hated just going to school. After 3 years of taking all the abusive name-calling and threats. I begged my mum to move schools, and she actually let me. I felt so relieved and so happy to be finally away from that school. (Trigger Warning) Depression can cause a lot of other problems, like eating disorders, insomnia, anger Issues, etc. For me it caused me to eat a lot more and I gained so much weight. When I was 14, I was that stressed and just so helpless to myself I started to self-harm. Now, this is the worst thing you could ever do when you feel sad. I've been self-harming now for 3 years, and for me, It helps for an hour or so, but after a while it makes you feel a whole lot worse. Please do not do what I did. It can actually get really addictive, so if you are feeling sad, go tell someone. It may be hard but it's the best thing to do so please tell your parents or a close loved one.



My relationship with my nan was so strong, she was my neighbor since I was born. She saw me every day, she spoilt me so much, she just loved seeing me happy and I loved seeing her happy. After I moved schools, I came home one day and my mum told me to go to my nans with her because we needed to talk. I had millions of things going round my head and I was panicking so much, my nan sat me down and she told me she has lung cancer. My mum said I didn't even show any emotion at all, probably because I had no emotions, I felt numb. I cried for days it was the worst thing to hear especially after feeling like everything is going okay. It just took me back to where I was at the beginning. She got really ill, quite fast. She passed away 2 years ago, February 7th at 11:30am and it officially broke me at this point, my depression has never been worse, I felt like I didn't have to be here anymore. I felt like I should be with her up in heaven. But obviously I was very mentally ill, so my brain wasn't functioning properly at all.

It took me 1 year and a half to get over the death of my nan, such a long while but she was like a mother to me. I saw her every day and slept at her house all the time. I cried every day for 1 year and 6 months. I felt like I had no one at this time because all I wanted was my nan and I refused to hear the truth. After school, I always came home thinking she'll be there waiting for me. I just kept on breaking down in school. All the time, I took weeks off school. Finally, after that time I got used to her not being there and stopped crying. But thankfully I had my boyfriend Jacob constantly there. If you are reading this and you're going through the same thing right now go online and maybe even go on childline. They have 24/7 chat rooms and you can talk to them about anything. Click here for the website.

In 2015 I got sent to CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) which can be helpful to consider, Some people find it doesn't help but some people do. Just book a doctors appointment if you feel that will help you. Just an update on how I am right now, I still have depression. Last year I failed my college course as I was too sad to even get out of bed, and people called me lazy. I wasn't lazy at all, I was that sad, I had no motivation at all to get out of bed. This year it's been the same but I'm getting better. You guys can also get better, you are not alone, I believe in you, you can do it.

 The biggest help I had/still have is my idol, Lady Gaga. Everyone just thinks I like her just because of her music, or just her videos. Lady Gaga helped me like no one else did, she's so inspirational. When I was getting bullied, Gaga was the only one who said "I believe in you, you can do it, you can battle this and I'll be here with you" When Born This Way the album came out, I realized that I should stop hating myself, I should just accept who I am and love myself. Her constant support made me want to stay. Her most recent album 'Joanne' has actually helped me with the death of my nan. It's healing, and that's why I love her. She has always been there, not physically but in my heart and in my ears. 


KNOWING THE SYMPTOMS 

Knowing some symptoms of depression can help you what's going on and if you need to go to your local GP to talk about your feelings, the list below is the symptoms of depression. If you're reading this and noticing you've been feeling/experiencing any of them. Go tell your parents and explain how you feel, even go make a doctor's appointment and have a conversation about the way you feel and what you've been noticing.

Depression Symptoms:


Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Fatigue and decreased energy

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness


Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism


Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping


Irritability, restlessness


Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including Sex


Overeating or appetite loss


Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment


Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings


Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts



ADVICE I GIVE TO YOU

The most helpful thing you could do is to tell someone as soon as you notice that you're having some of the symptoms, because depression could harm you. Depression left untreated could make everything worse and a lot harder to treat.

However you feel, don't believe it. I felt worthless, helpless and just stupid. I felt like I shouldn't be here, but as time goes by you will learn that it's not true and the bad feelings were just the depression. 

Always make sure you're occupied, never just sit and do nothing at all, because that can also make you even more sad.

Stay away from any illegal drugs and alcohol, they will never help when you're sad. It will just make you feel more sad, alcohol is a depressant which means it makes you a lot more down when you get drunk.

Don't just sit and watch TV all day, go outside for a walk, do some exercise. Exercise is really good for your mental health.

Make sure you are sleeping okay, don't go to bed too late otherwise you will have a bad sleeping pattern which will effect your mood and mental health. 


Thank you so much for reading this, before I end this blog post here are some numbers you can call if you ever need any extra support at any time:

Childline: 0800 1111 
Click here for contacting page on the Childline webiste
Click here for the Samartins contact webiste